Let's pretend you were a NFL head coach & you had three quality first string running backs. One has all the talent in the world & blazing speed. The other has tremendous heart & will run a motherfucker over in a minute. The third combines traits from the first two, but unfortunately has to back them up. Your offensive line is a little banged up, but when called upon can run block their asses off. Oh & let me throw in the fact that you have a pro bowl QB who has the potential for greatness, a solid wide receiving core & a tight end that's a coaches dream. What would your play calling look like if you were the OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR? Think before you answer that......
Most of you would probably say you would either run the ball or you would have a balanced attack. I say you are all full of shit & here is why.
I was talking to my boy Greg the other day & we were talking about play calling when a revelation hit me. When is the last time a predominantly run oriented offensive coordinator got a head coaching job in the NFL? Think about it. The Ravens who are known for running the ball & playing stellar defense have had Mike Nolan, Mike Singletary, Jack Del Rio, Rex Ryan, Marvin Lewis & Jim Scwartz all become head coaches in the NFL. Guess what all of them have in common.....They came from the defensive side of the ball. Name me the Ravens offensive coordinators during their run! Matt Cavanaugh, Jim Fossell & Brian Billick (who took over the play calling) are all out of work. The common denominator is...if you don't throw the ball, you won't be a head coach in the NFL. The year the Giants defeated the Undefeated Pats in the Super Bowl, who got a job off of that squad? I think he is coaching the Rams now & he was the defensive coordinator. His name is Tony Spagnola. Trivia question for you....who was the offensive coordinator for the Panthers when they produced two 1,000 yd rushers and a 1,000 yd receive? Give up. Don't worry, I can't named that sum bitch either. The offensive coordinator for the 85 Bears got a head coaching job didn't he? Wrong....that was Buddy Ryan the Defensive coordinator. It took Gary Kubiak (offensive coordinator for Run University in Denver) years before he got a job. Guys like Mike Shannahan, Jon Gruden, Sean Payton, Andy Reid & Norv Turner sling that rock & they got jobs. Much like chicks dig the long ball....Owners dig QBs throwing that ball. So the next time you question your favorite teams play calling just remember...they are not only playing to win, but they auditioning for their next job also.
UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS:
Being a Cowboys fan makes me feel like the chick in Baby Boy that played Jody's girlfriend. Remember her classic line "HOW MUCH SHIT CAN A BITCH TAKE" because of the way Jody cheated on her over & over again. Well I ask Jerry Jones the same shit. THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL IS IN YOUR STADIUM THIS YEAR. HELLO MCFLY...THE SUPERBOWL IS IN YOUR FUCKING 800 TRILLION DOLLAR STADIUM & YOUR FUCKING TEAM IS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY TO GET IN. IMAGINE THE FUCKING STEELERS OR RAVENS HOSTING THE LOMBARDI TROPHY IN YOUR BUILDING?! THAT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FUCKING PUKE. THAT IS IREPRHENSIBLE GODDAMMIT. WHERE IS YOUR PRIDE & YOUR WIN AT ALL COST ATTITUDE? YOU USED TO BE RUTHLESS & MERCILESS. YOU FUCKING FIRED JIMMY JOHNSON FOR TALKING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK & HE WON TWO FUCKING SUPER BOWLS. NOW YOU HAVE COMPASSION FOR THAT SIMPLE MINDED MORON WADE PHILLIPS?! I LIKE HIM & I HOPE HE WINS, BUT WHAT IS THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING? EDDIE LONG HAS A BETTER CHANCE OF CONVINCING AMERICA THAT THE DEVIL MADE HIM LOVE THE BO OF TEENAGE BOYS!!! I'M SICK & TIRED OF BEING SICK & TIRED. 1-3 WITH ALL OF THAT TALENT. THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF MORE DISAPPOINTING WAS THE CANCELLATION OF PLAYMAKERS BY ESPN. RESTORE MY FAITH & AT LEAST THREATEN PHILLIPS WITH A SUPERBOWL OR ELSE ULTIMATUM. CHANNEL YOUR INNER VINCE MCMAHON, DO THE RIGHT & SAVE ME FROM ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT BY SAYING THOSE GOLDEN WORDS "YOUR FIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRREDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINGS THAT I LEARNED IN WEEK 5:
* I learned that the NFL has the biggest bunch of dick riders this side of Eddie Long. The Steelers are a model franchise & they are having a good season, but give me a fucking break with all that "they are better than the Ravens" shit. The Ravens beat them point blank, no questions asked. Big Ben or no Big Ben it doesn't matter. No one mentioned that the Ravens are missing Ed Reed, or their starting left tackle or that they ran out of the normal laundry detergent they wash the uniforms with or that the normal ticket booth operator is out for two weeks with finger tendinitis....You get the point. Stop dick riding & call a spade a spade. The Ravens are the best team in the NFL RIGHT NOW, PERIOD! TELL THE JETS & THE STEELERS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!
* I am tired of journalists & fans calling the level of play in the NFL mediocre this year, because their is no clear cut favorite. You ask for this shit! When my Cowboys & the 49ers were dominating the spotlight in the 90'.... everyone complained about their teams not getting a fair shot. Now that there is a salary cap in place & teams can't spend like crazy, everyone is complaining again. Shut up & accept your reality . The days of dominance is over. That's why the Pats run was all the more impressive. Today if you have D you don't have O. Or you have a QB, but no one to throw to. No team is complete so therefore the performances week in & week out are going to reflect that. Be careful what you wish for because now you have it.
* INTERESTING STAT OF THE WEEK: Kyle Orton, Tony Romo, Drew Brees, Payton Manning, and Phillip Rivers (the leading passers in the NFL) have a record of 11-13. Chris Johnson, Arian Foster, Adrian Peterson, and Armad Bradshaw (the leaders in rushing in the NFL) have a combined record of 10-9. Go figure.
* The real straw that stirs the Saints drink is Reggie Kardashian. I mean Kim Bush. Sorry Reggie...but you were the one that went in behind Ray J. lol Without him the Saints are struggling, because he is the one weapon on their team that you really have to gameplan for. He is a triple threat & his presence alone must be accounted for.
* The NFL is the real reason the hit show Playmakers was taking off the air. If you remember the show was about the trials & tribulations of a pro football team. There was the star QB who was a womanizer & used staff members to line him up some snatch. There was the Gay WR who had to keep his lifestyle hidden from the rest of the team. And don't forget the crackhead Running Back played by Cuba Gooding's brother Omar. He had another person's clean urine pumped into his body so that he could pass a drug test. That shit was put in through his bo?! I think the show hit too close to home so the NFL had ESPN pull the plug on this riveting show. If you need to see footage my man Brad Piff has copies on vhs tapes for sale.
HIGH FIVE:
1) RAVENS (4-1) THE MOST COMPLETE TEAM IN THE NFL
2) JETS (4-1) GAINING CONFIDENCE AS THE WEEKS GO BY
3) STEELERS (3-1) BIG BEN IS BACK
4) PATS (3-1) WHAT WILL "LAM" LOOK LIKE....AS IN LIFE AFTER MOSS?
5) BEARS (4-1) BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY
BUFFOON OF THE WEEK:
If you were a star QB, future hall of famer, had millions of dollars in your bank account (& will continue to make millions in the future), was happily married with children & one of the most recognizable people in the US.........WOULD YOU TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR JOHNSON & SEND THEM TO A CHICK FOR VIEWING?!
Now I'm not here to comment on his marriage, but what would make a man who has done it all leave his life of chilling to come back & play football? Sounds like someone who was trying to get away from his wife. See a previous Lowdown from a year ago where I touched on this. Brett Favre is smoking that shit. Because there is no way that a man of this magnitude should resort to sexting to pull a bitch. Brett, have you not learned from Tiger you dumb mutherfucker? This shit will get out! Use your boy, another player, your manager, a Pre-Paid phone where the shit can't be linked to you. But don't put your shit on display for all to see! I want to meet the bitch that has that bomb ass capable of making me take a picture of the bozack & sending it. That piece of ass don't exist. I'm small time & I know the ramifications. Nothing good can come from my bo making it's way around the net. If you were that horny, there is Uporn, Pornhub, Come and get it.com, strippers, hookers & random North Ave. bitches that will break you off for a ride to the club. Now look at you....ass out, team losing, wife pissed the fuck off & I heard your dumbass didn't even hit it. At least Tiger got memories for giving up half his empire. What the fuck do you have?
Your pride? No.
Your dignity? No.
A winning record? No.
In the famous words of Ron Simmons.....DAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNNNN.
YOU ARE THE BUFFOON OF THE WEEK!!!
I'm out like the Tampa Rays.
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